what the f*ck is wrong with men today?!
Hello again…
My previous post was a bit emotional, but when i have something to say, keeping it inside so i wont tire others with my thoughts, just makes matters worse! So much for me, because i keep things bottled up, and also for the people that are near me when the contents of that bottle reach spilage point!
Anyway… the thing that is on my mind this time, and i would like to register on this “piece of paper”, has to do with the issue of human relationships. Its something we all have as a part of our lives, and whether we like it or not, have to deal with one way or the other…. It might be a relationship you have with your friend, with your family, your coworkers, or even an encounter with a stranger that leaves you wondering about the “what ifs” surrounding your existence.
That whole intro, comes down to one simple thing… “THE relationship”. The connection we have or want to have with THAT person, that will help us feel whole… In any kind of relationship, no matter how deep or trivial it is, the purpose is to make us think of, evaluate and appreciate the things that life offers us through the experiences we get from the connections we have with others.
Well, through MY experiences, i have to say that human beings are the most ungrateful, dissatisfied beings alive… Why is it that the only men that take me seriously are the ones that are unavailable? Or the ones that i have absolutely no interest in? I mean… i know a few married men that always tell me “if only i wasnt married”… Or, because of the fact that i can easily talk to people and say my bit, all the insecure, weak, random guys are attracted to me. Sorry guys, but i don’t do (pun intended) married men, and i smply… cannot.. stand… weak… people…!
I mean, what the fuck?! The ones that are single, are never able to appreciate a good thing, because i dont look like a supermodel or a superstar. I’m a simple, down to earth person, that know’s what she wants, and wont take bullshit from anyone.
So, as i was saying, the single guys, keep their radar turned towards the bombshells, the bimbos, the easy lays, the ones that they can deal with, and leave behind whenever they get fed up. They cant be bothered with the women that have a steady grip on their lives, the ones that dont fall for the “how YOU doing” pick up lines, the ones that what more from a man than sweet talk and hollow words and a meaningless conversation that only aims to get in my pants.
I might sound bitter, i might even sound that i’m full of myself. It doesnt really matter, and i dont really care. The point of this whole word-fest, is that men have lost the point. Life isnt a game of “oh, that chick’s hot, lets treat her like meat and then have desert”… It’s more like a game of collecting baseball cards, knowing that the ones that are harder to find, are usually worth more. So what if i refuse to go with the flow? So what if i’m picky? So what if i choose to be single? It beats having to compromise being with someone that wont realise my worth, and it certainly beats wasting my time playing the dessert game just so that i’m not alone…
To tempt or not to tempt…?
Hello people…
I’m new at this… I just had the urge to write whatever’s on my mind, hoping that “on paper” it will rid my mind of unnecessary thoughts…
So, i dont really know if i’ll get the chance to write things often, but knowing that i think to much, i think i will… Yes… that’s what i think…
Anyway… The latest thing that has been troubling me, is the fact that people forgot that as much as you might need others around you, you are wired to be able to survive without having to be part of a group, a “clique”, or any other socially manufactured term… Its human nature… People survive not because they are strong, but because it all comes down to the fact that we are selfish… We can’t help it… It’s not bad to be selfish… You just have to prioritize when and to what extent you want to show someone your inner wants. Sometimes, your “wants” are greater than your “needs”. Some time, the exact opposite is the case… And that’s when you find yourself in deeper waters than you’d like… You know yourself… You know your strengths, your weaknesses, you know when the next mood swing will happen. You know what pushes your buttons and what will make you say “i cant be bothered”. So when you get it in your mind to do something, you probably know what you are capable of, and what results your action will bring…
You might not “want” to hurt someone, but your inner selfish “need” to do what you gotta do, brings exactly that… You might even try to tell yourself that “ok, big deal s/he’ll get over it” so that you can make yourself feel better for that “need” that is consuming your every thought, your every action…
So you come to a point where you have to deal with the following question: “do i have the guts to mess with the stability in my life, or should i bury my needs and wants so that i can have peace?”
I chose to tempt fate… I chose to do what my needs commanded, and found myself in a place where most people fear to be in… I found myself in the land of Solitude. A land where you can find people that have been shunned, that are characterized as the pariahs, that are misunderstood by others, simply because they chose to do what that voice inside their head told them…
Dont get me wrong… I didnt commit a crime! I did not murder, rape or kidnap anybody… But yes, i did hurt someone… I played with that person’s trust, i was working though my own agenda to get what i wanted. I betrayed that person’s confidence, by using the things that person told me to my own advantage… That person was more trusting than me, and i used that. I managed to get what i wanted. But i had to pay the price. I lost a friend, some one that was my “partner in crime”… Whatever we did, we did it together… We often ended each other’s sentences… We had the best times together… That person gave me memories to last a life time…
“How stupid are you?” you might ask… Or, “what a terrible person you are” you might say… Ok, granted. I didnt make the best decision… But in my defense, I have gone through stuff that have made me so thick skinned that sometimes i forget that people are more vulnerable than me. I forget that people dont have the same way of thinking that i do. I forget that for others, things like friendship and solidarity are like things you dont mess with… At some point, i thought the same thing. Wait… I still do…
So, now, im asking myself… Does it all come down to the fact that the relationship i had with this person was more of an arrangement that suited the both of us? Did i just play along, taking pleasure from the good times, but knowing deep down that its nothing more than a party that will end at some point? I’m confused… (see? i told you i think too much) Did i believe that this person could never be there for me, for anything more than providing me with a wild night out, a crazy summer adventure, a mischievous smile when we are thinking the same thing, or simply make me feel good about myself by doing things that made me look stronger than that person?
Yes, i had the best time of my life with that person. But the serious things, the things that mattered more, fell onto my shoulders to deal with… It felt like that person knew that i would be there and although these things have never been said, it felt like: “i’m drunk, shut me up”… “im having a fit, i’m depressed, i’m being stupid, come and deal with me because im unable…” “im about to make a fool of myself, do something!”
What am i? Your mother? I needed a friend, not an accident waiting to happen… I tried to help you the best i could… But you just didnt listen… It felt like you took for granted that i’d be there to get you out of the mess you always created for yourself…
So maybe, without even knowing it, i was subconsciously trying to teach you a lesson… That you shouldn’t rely on anyone else to “save” you, because even the person you trust the most, will tend to its own needs when push comes to shove… If anything, i hope i managed to get that into your brain, and i hope it hurt enough to make you realise some things.
But by the look of things, you just took the last thing i did “to you” for granted and didnt even realise all the things i had been doing “for you” for so long… It’s ok. Someday, in the distant future, you might look back and see things differently… If not, well, it will be because you still cant see the big picture. Wake up… Think! Please… You are smart enough to know your own good… But instead, you choose the easy way out… A way that will get you through the day, give you a laugh and a shot of excitement at that moment, but will bring you more grief than pleasure when the next day arrives…
“I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something to do with you
I really don’t mind what happens now and then
As long as you’ll be my friend at the endAnd if I go crazy then will you still call me Superman?
If I’m alive and well, will you be there holding my hand?
I’ll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
KryptoniteYou call me strong, you call me weak
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times
I never let you downYou stumbled in and bumped your head
If not for me then you’d be dead
I picked you up and put you back on solid ground”
Oh… I apologise for making my monologue so personal… I just needed to say some things… So you see… Im not a terrible person… Im not stupid either… I regret that my actions hurt the person i cared for so much, but my actions had a purpose, even if i didnt realise that at that point…
If i were an easier going person, maybe i’d want to turn back time and do things differently… But no, i will deal with my solitude, because i know im strong enough to be alone and still be happy… I refuse to swallow things just to keep the peace. I refuse to let anyone else decide for me and have my happiness in their hands… I will speak my mind, and walk down the path i’ve set for myself, with my head high and my eyes open…
And please, if YOU are reading this, don’t be mad. My purpose is not to make you look bad, weak and immature. I want and hope and need you to understand how i feel and how i felt when seeing you do things that hurt yourself. You have given me more energy and reasons to look forward to tomorrow, than anyone else has ever managed to. I thank you for that, and will never forget it, even though we might never be friends again.
Respect… And always ask yourself: “to tempt or not to tempt?”
